It is a weird day. I feel so out of
place, so out of context about my own life. I wanted to do something, but
it turned out to be something else. I fought with my family to take up this
course. In fact, I am good at this. Then on the way, I do not know what
happened. Nothing turned out to be as I thought. I lost my faith. I am not even
sure if I really want to do this now. I thought I have sorted it out, but when
I see people around me settling down, I am wondering maybe I should do the
same. Sitting near my window, with my
camera I tried to focus nowhere, the dark grey cloud and my mood and thoughts
along with my black coffee looked perfect partner in crime. I flushed the black
coffee in my kitchen sink, as that is the only thing I could throw away. Wish I
could flush all my thoughts, forget everything, and go back to where I
started. Declutter, yes that is what I used to do earlier, when I am not sure what
I want to do. So, I went cleaned my room, book shelf, wardrobe, kitchen
and store room. And, I had a surprise in my store room. As I was cleaning the
shelves, a box fell on my head. I almost shrieked and felt that the sky
above me telling, "None of this will work, lady". I shouted, "shut-up". However, when I looked for that stupid thing which fell on my head, I was
intrigued with that box, as I noticed it does not belong to me. I stay alone in this
apartment, though my family and friends visit me sometime. But, none of them
carried this kind of box. Who is it then? When I sat down to open this, I
saw lot of photos, film negatives and a note with a tinge of yellowish,
brownish coloured. Evidently, all these contents are very very old. Perhaps, belongs
to the owner of the house? I was absolutely thrilled. I know it is not my box, but I convinced myself that this the most eventful thing happening in my life at this moment. So I need to open it and go through the contents. I took the box, made
myself hot chocolate and sat on couch with this treasure box. I kept the film
negatives safely, which I thought that, I will develop these, first thing tomorrow in the morning.
This person seemed to be a photographer or at least someone interested in
photography. I thought, ‘what a coincidence’. Then I opened the note, which
read:
You see, what I have being wanting do is something totally out of the context
of the world I belong to. I was expected to get the degree, get a job, which
is by the way is equivalent to settling down in career, and then of course get
married and have children, which is equivalent to settling down in life. To have
a partner was important so that we do not feel lonely in our old age. I do not
know about what they said, but I was sure I could not settle down with such
notion. I have a different version of settling down. For me to be on move is
settling, I am a gypsy at heart. I keep moving and steering through various
emotions within me and of course people around me. I always liked to put myself
out of that comfort zone. Frankly, at first, it was unsettling but then I got
addicted to that pattern. I pushed myself to be stranded in the middle and find
my way out. I surely knew that what exactly I do not want in life and that in
fact made my life simple. You see directly to ask whether I know, what we want
in life is much more complex. However, knowing what we do not want is quiet
easy. I cannot promise I will succeed; I may fail again and again. That is ‘failed’
is what we are made to see, but for me, I succeeded in finding one more opportunity for myself. This
was all so against to my social context, I never thought of leading
someone or something. I never had a desire to keep building up and sustain it. My idea has always been to document and document whatever I come
across in some or the other form and pass it on to everyone. And once people
get it, it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belong to people, the world, to
universe.. They all will sustain it. I consciously avoided the 'I' in all what
I did. It will be, always will be We. What is ironic is when 'We' start working,
we first realize our I. --To Dear Me
The grey cloud
almost went black now and the dusk creeped in. Holding this letter in my hand, I
felt the other Me in the parallel world just wrote this letter to me. Or, that
Me few years back who was so passionate about the life she wanted to create. How
is that one failure can define me. Perhaps, I documented that one phase and may be
it is the next journey with new documentations at hand. I just could not contain myself
anymore. From that Me, I have a journey to fulfil with the I. The realization
of the ‘I’!
